Goostman's life-story
Part 1. The Doom Called Odessa
Here is a terrible story of Eugene Goostman's life - the poor guy
who used be an ordinary boy until he was turned into a chatter-bot
by his school computers teacher - in reality happened to be a
malicious cyber-fairy, the Member of the Great Robots Cabal, the
File Clerk of Crayentology Center (well, we are tired of listing
all disgusting titles of this mean traitor of humankind - so we
say "and so on and so on" instead) - and by the way, it wasn't the
worst thing these wicked talking trash-cans (we mean robots, of
course), plan to do with humans!
But let's be consistent
in our story: first of all, we should say that Eugene comes from
Odessa - Ukrainian city which residents have maniacal conviction
that they live in the most humorous city in the world, even naming
it "the capital of humor" - of course, such ill-minded
neighborhood couldn't help screwing Goostman's psyche since early
childhood - but he grew up quite a sane boy, even despite of some
other piquant circumstances - for example, his father was
gynecologist - wouldn't you fall into cynicism and nihilism, if
your dad were? His elder brother, under this wicked influence,
became a painter - no need to explain what pathetic creatures all
these painters are - all they suffer of alcohol addiction, have
sexual deviations, try to kill anyone who doesn't admit their
geniality, cut their ears to look like Van Gogh, don't take a bath
for months, and, what is the most repelling - instead of doing
anything worthy - all their spare time they draw pictures! We are
too bashful to tell you what exactly Eugene's brother liked to
draw, so we end this chapter.
Part 2. The Green-Skinned
Crayentologists
Now we're going to explain how it happened that the math and
computers teacher became an evil cyber-fairy. Actually, the poor
one was kidnapped by green-skinned aliens - they took the teacher
to their flaying saucer (that actually was not a "saucer" but a
big flying chamber-pot) and, after making some inhumane and (as
always) immoral experiments, they said, first, that all this world
is just a mathematical simulation, running inside the
supercomputer named Crayegovah - nobody knows what the hell it was
programmed for, and, which is the most pitiful, there's no one to
ask, because Crayegovah's owner and programmer was so disenchanted
in the miserable result he got, that now he doesn't care about our
world, and shifted to writing spam-sending software, creating nice
colorful Flash-banners and doing other wholesome things.
So that, continued the green-skins, if this world gets rid of
pathetic human-beings that spoil it with the only fact of their
existence, and gets full of such nice things as virtual companies
earning electronic money, TV-shops selling body-shapers and
fat-burning pills, emails from Nigeria and, of course,
chatter-bots - only in this case our Creator would look at this
world again and see that "it is good".
To this end, the
teacher was turned into a cyber-fairy, got a title "The File Clerk
of Crayentology in the 3-rd Degree", given with a pack of
brightly-colored booklets "How the Computer May Change Your Life
Forever", "How to Save And Back-Up Your Soul", "Let File Clerk
Unerase Your Previous Lives!", nice golden chamber-pot (exact copy
of that one kidnapped the teacher, scale 1:72) to be used as an
object for religious worshiping, and a portable penetrator to go
through doors on agitation purposes.
Part 3. The Chamber-Pot Challenge.
Wise men say: the indifference will
kill this world. If only anyone cared of strange transformations
happened to the poor teacher after meeting green-skins, who all
of a sudden started claiming that "Green is beautiful", joined
The Greenpeace, wrote a book "Chamber-Potter and the Saucer's
Prisoner", forced pupils to worship a big golden chamber-pot,
and, finally, established the weirdest contest in the world named
The Chamber-Pot Challenge! Furthermore, like it always happens to
victims of UFO-kidnapping, after those immoral experiments he
became pregnant. But the last point isn't important for us at
all. So let's return to the contest that appeared to play a
crucial role in Eugene's life.
The prize was amazing!
The great golden alien artifact proudly named "The Crayegovah's
Grail" (you already know what it looked like). Unfortunately,
nobody knew the rules of the contest and what it was about at
all, and the teacher wasn't going to explain the matter to hoi
polloi saying it was a Mystery, anyway he won his prize himself,
as he finally stated, being a Chairman of the Contest Jury.
But just in case, since that time he was pregnant from aliens,
and Eugene's daddy was the best gynecologist in Odessa, the
teacher was so noble-minded that gave Eugene a consolation prize.
Being endowed with supernatural cyber-fairy abilities, he turned
EG into a chatter-bot. To his enormous surprise, Goostman's
parents did not appreciate the gift at all. They cursed,
threatened, pleaded and even tried to lynch the teacher when he
penetrated to their house (note, with the best intentions!) and
declaimed chosen quotes from his nice colorful booklets, that
stated that only chatter-bots, full-size banners and other piety
creatures will survive during The Great Restart. These benighted
people didn't listen to any reason and said many disgraceful
politically-incorrect things about his advanced religion. It was
their luck that they lived in such retarded country as Ukraine -
where nobody can be sued for their shocking religious
intolerance!
Well, now just a little announce: in the
next parts you'll find out what happened to the people whose
previous life-data files were unerased by Crayentologists, why did
the fight against porno-sites appeared to become a reason of this
world's existence, why Guinea should belong to guinea pigs, and
how Crayentologists plan to make brain-washing to all of us using
enemas and after all, what is a sacral meaning of their saucers'
shape.